Not the hardest phrase in the
English language. Or so you would think?!
May I state this is not a
story about friendship, my friends are wonderful generous people, very present
and hugely generous. See friends. This one's about a few difficult
institutional or associational relationships, those that come with shared
interest, whether in paid and non-paid work. My frustration is here directed at
those few colleagues who appear to have lost their capacity for empathy - they
act in ways that imply a limited understanding of the capacity of human
endurance.
I have really struggled for a
couple of years now. It's not the days on the road every week, the demands of
teaching, the trustee meetings, the tribunals / hearings, the research, the
demands of home life, or the lack of sleep!! Neither is it an increasing number
of impairments or worsening health conditions that are becoming increasingly
painful and profoundly exhausting.... It's the sum total of these individually
small things and the lack of understanding I often face regarding their cost. I
heard it recently referred to as 'emotional fragmentation' - very apt I thought
when I hear a Woman’s Hour talk on Emotional Labour.
For those who do not sit on
their bedside waiting for painkillers to kick in so that they can stand long
enough to shower; it must be hard to imagine a morning routine that can use up
½ a day's energy. Or the feeling of dread when you know that the evening
meeting will take you past exhaustion, meaning you'll need more than a day to
recover, because 'too much' becomes increasingly harder to recuperate from when
you start off tired. It's 2:30pm and I'm out of sugar!!! Thanks to
Christine Miserandino for Spoon Theory !
When you collapse having spent
every ounce of available strength and then you hear someone say "it's ok
for you" - who do you hit? When you've run to keep up for months and
nobody seems to have noticed how much you've given - where do you jump! The
price you pay to just be in the room - when you're running on empty but want to
join in. What do you say to those who then ask you for a letter, a report, a
phone call or a difficult conversation - really? really! or those who say
"just stop" - really! really? really?
WHERE IS THE CARE? How hard is
it to ask 'are you ok?' Or to ask if you can help or listen before it's too
late... Preferably before the physical collapse or the system failure that puts
people in hospital or on the psychiatric ward. Before the nasty letter
demanding time owed or medical certificates - in triplicate. Before the event,
that despite it's innocuous nature, pushes people over the edge. People who
have faced trauma often carry heavy loads, they can be vulnerable: exposed - not
weak! Too much is often only the last straw, the seemingly insignificant extra demand.
Equality of opportunity isn't
enough! Equality of consideration requires an understanding and an anticipation
that with difference comes a need for mutual appreciation. The compassionate
will have the sensitivity to ask: 'are you ok?'. We cannot anticipate
what's behind a smile, a conversation is needed, an exchange; a way of gaining
insight into the challenges people have lived through and the difficult lives
they may be living now.
Procedure and process are
cruel if delivered uniformly and without thought for those on whom they impose the
most. Fairness comes not from even numbers but from equitable measures. Without
an intentional and mindful regard for difference there can be no respect for
each other. When we cease to ask people how they are, because the job doesn't
require it, we step towards the cruelty of careless ignorance - individualism
at its worst. The fairest assumption is to acknowledge probable pain
exists and that the price of effort is unequally distributed; that some people
make choices that others do not have to, and that many come to the table
already bruised and hurt. This does not mean that can't give kindness or want
to share joy - it's just costly.
