Are you ok?

Not the hardest phrase in the English language. Or so you would think?!




May I state this is not a story about friendship, my friends are wonderful generous people, very present and hugely generous. See friends. This one's about a few difficult institutional or associational relationships, those that come with shared interest, whether in paid and non-paid work. My frustration is here directed at those few colleagues who appear to have lost their capacity for empathy - they act in ways that imply a limited understanding of the capacity of human endurance.  




I have really struggled for a couple of years now. It's not the days on the road every week, the demands of teaching, the trustee meetings, the tribunals / hearings, the research, the demands of home life, or the lack of sleep!! Neither is it an increasing number of impairments or worsening health conditions that are becoming increasingly painful and profoundly exhausting.... It's the sum total of these individually small things and the lack of understanding I often face regarding their cost. I heard it recently referred to as 'emotional fragmentation' - very apt I thought when I hear a Woman’s Hour talk on Emotional Labour. 




For those who do not sit on their bedside waiting for painkillers to kick in so that they can stand long enough to shower; it must be hard to imagine a morning routine that can use up ½ a day's energy. Or the feeling of dread when you know that the evening meeting will take you past exhaustion, meaning you'll need more than a day to recover, because 'too much' becomes increasingly harder to recuperate from when you start off tired. It's 2:30pm and I'm out of sugar!!! Thanks to Christine Miserandino for Spoon Theory !




When you collapse having spent every ounce of available strength and then you hear someone say "it's ok for you" - who do you hit? When you've run to keep up for months and nobody seems to have noticed how much you've given - where do you jump! The price you pay to just be in the room - when you're running on empty but want to join in. What do you say to those who then ask you for a letter, a report, a phone call or a difficult conversation  - really? really! or those who say "just stop" - really! really? really? 




WHERE IS THE CARE? How hard is it to ask 'are you ok?' Or to ask if you can help or listen before it's too late... Preferably before the physical collapse or the system failure that puts people in hospital or on the psychiatric ward. Before the nasty letter demanding time owed or medical certificates - in triplicate. Before the event, that despite it's innocuous nature, pushes people over the edge. People who have faced trauma often carry heavy loads, they can be vulnerable: exposed - not weak! Too much is often only the last straw, the seemingly insignificant extra demand. 





Equality of opportunity isn't enough! Equality of consideration requires an understanding and an anticipation that with difference comes a need for mutual appreciation. The compassionate will have the sensitivity to ask: 'are you ok?'.  We cannot anticipate what's behind a smile, a conversation is needed, an exchange; a way of gaining insight into the challenges people have lived through and the difficult lives they may be living now. 




Procedure and process are cruel if delivered uniformly and without thought for those on whom they impose the most. Fairness comes not from even numbers but from equitable measures. Without an intentional and mindful regard for difference there can be no respect for each other. When we cease to ask people how they are, because the job doesn't require it, we step towards the cruelty of careless ignorance - individualism at its worst. The fairest assumption is to acknowledge probable pain exists and that the price of effort is unequally distributed; that some people make choices that others do not have to, and that many come to the table already bruised and hurt. This does not mean that can't give kindness or want to share joy - it's just costly.