A friend indeed ...

 

I got an email from a friend this morning asking me for advice on the use of the word ‘needy’; This was my response:

 

As a word ‘needy’ is neither right nor wrong, it depends on context, but it can hurt. It can cause shame when it is used to label a group of people needing help.  Primarily, because it reinforces unhelpful ideas, so can add to the pain of individuals within the group, and it may cause offence by implying they are needy. While it is adequate to explain that needs are not being met, there is always a likelihood that it will prompt the idea, a negative stereotype, that the individuals themselves are deficient, responsible or to blame for the circumstances in which they may be struggling. In other words, the people within the group are seen inferior because they have needs. The thing is we all have needs - because we are human. Talking of more or less need is unnecessary, we’ll all need help at some time, and some of us may require a little more help than others to get our needs met. For example, we all need to drink, but I may require a straw to get this need met, not having a straw does not make me needy, simply thirsty.

 

Using 'in difficult circumstance' instead may seem like a mouth full, but the words may help describe more respectfully the situation of people within a group. and while some may actually want help, extra support or particular consideration while facing difficult circumstance - others won't. Being mindful of the context helps articulate more aptly that there is nothing inferior about the people described, and makes us more aware that they may be experiencing hardship or unfair treatment.

 

Equally, using 'marginalised' instead of 'vulnerable' to describe certain groups is more respectful, because it describes more clearly that within our communities some groups are often treated less fairly, have less privilege or cannot access every shared opportunity. 

 

As Brown sees it, everyone can feel vulnerable when they are being open and honest. 

I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. … To put our art, our writing, our photography, our ideas out into the world with no assurance of acceptance or appreciation – that’s also vulnerability. (Brown, 2012, p. 34)

 

 

Showing our softer side, or sharing our thoughts, can make us feel a bit bare because we lay ourselves open to derision, ridicule and rejection.  This can be made worse by being part of a group that is marginalised by the customs and traditions of our communities, or represented badly by the stories that influence our society’s conversations. It can put us in a position where we feel we are being judged negatively. If I have to fight for a straw day in and day out, I may feel weak and less able to dismiss those hurtful comments that highlight that its odd therefore I'm needy.

 

Thank you, my friend for giving me opportunity to share this, many I hope will see this pedantry as a gift…

 

 

 

See also past post on Vulnerability and a world of difference.

 

 

 

 

Brown, B. C. (2012). Dearing greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. London: Pengiun Books Ltd.

Chapman, L. (2013). Respectful Language: How Dialogue Supports Moral Development of Leaders and Respectful Culture. Journal of Psychology Issues in Organizational Culture , 3, 78.

 

 

 

Ablesplaining!

I’ve been struggling recently to find a more nuanced language to describe different aspects of ‘disability’ more accurately. We tend, I think, to use very few words to describe what is different: impairment, difficulty, allies, people in receipt of a certain type of oppression, a discrimination with a specific character and the negative outcomes of systemic inequality for a named group. The way I see it disablism, or ableism, is a distinct form of discrimination. Therefore, the prejudice is it creates is different too - no better or worse than others - but it has a unique character of its own. It's this understanding, the characteristics of the prejudice, I wish I could articulate this more clearly in conversation. Because talking about one’s impairment, or having a discussion about the right to support, are two completely different conversations. If we had more words, each with specific meaning, we could address the different perspectives of ablism more clearly.  We may also become better allies. In a similar way that I can make a choice to be anti-sexist in my daily activity by being a Feminist. But there's no word for anti-ableist ...   yet!  (although I have explored the activist role before and Chapman, 2013)

I love it when a new word gains currency. And yes! You’ve probably heard of mansplaining. I didn’t take the word to seriously at first. It felt a little clunky and too radical. But I’ve changed my mind, because over the last few months I’ve noticed examples in growing number. ‘Red car syndrome’: you buy a red car and suddenly they are everywhere!!!   The word is defined by the the Miriam-Webster dictionary the definition is:

Mansplaining is, at its core, a very specific thing. It's what occurs when a man talks condescendingly to someone (especially a woman) about something he has incomplete knowledge of, with the mistaken assumption that he knows more about it than the person he's talking to does.

I'm listening to a guy mansplain economics to his wife.

Apparently you can't sell a second-hand car for as much as a new one. So glad he mansplained that to me.

I've noticed that since I have known the word, I have been more able to use it to describe a distinctive prejudice with a specific behaviour. Bias happens when our language betrays our beliefs before our minds can catch up. When the stereotypes we hold about others escape before we can think more respectfully about how to phrase our thinking.

Having a word that eloquently describes the type of comments that ride roughshod over someone’s ability to think makes it easier to highlight bias. I would like to think that most comments delivered with sexist intent are not meant. However, they do hurt, and are all too often belittling, oppressive or disempowering (Gladwell, 2008).

Soooo ablesplaining!?! Well, similarity, it’s the comments people make to disabled individuals without thought. Typically, they sound inoffensive, but they hold assumptions we haven’t fully thought through – or had a chance to contradict. They often imply that disabled people have less, if any, experience or expertise. [I say we, because disabled people do it to.]  The unacknowledged feeling of superiority comes from being more able.  Examples include:

·      Have you tried going to bed early?

·      You should drink camomile tea!

·      You must feel proud about [the little] you’ve done.

·      If I were you I wouldn't take on so much!

·      Why don't you...

You could argue these are kind and caring statements.  However, underneath the good intent lurks a belief that:

We’ve not managed our condition for years - infantilisation. Stereotype: disabled people are children or have a 'mental' age [sic].

We've not read, talked about, and thought about our experience or gained knowledge relating to our what matters to us. For example, reading lots on how to deal with what causes huge pain and on-going suffering. Stereotype: disabled people are stupid and need [medical] care.

We are not capable of great successes, sometimes greater than our peers given the extra myriad of barriers we overcome. Stereotype: There's a single scale for achievement so disabled people can't reach the excellence end of it.

We are expected to be a bit crap! Stereotype: disabled people are less capable and more generally a bit worthless - see media coverage.

We have hours to fill in our empty lives. Stereotype: incapable of real work we have time to use up while on benefits.

As ever, people that think hard and challenge disablist assumptions, don't often offend. We now acknowledge that this type of bias is unconscious. But I have lost count of the times I have been told how to live my life, run my business, or deal with my conditions. Which given my age, I've had plenty of time to reflect on. I'm always struck how quickly some people launch into giving me advice on things they've comparatively little experience of themselves.