A friend indeed ...

 

I got an email from a friend this morning asking me for advice on the use of the word ‘needy’; This was my response:

 

As a word ‘needy’ is neither right nor wrong, it depends on context, but it can hurt. It can cause shame when it is used to label a group of people needing help.  Primarily, because it reinforces unhelpful ideas, so can add to the pain of individuals within the group, and it may cause offence by implying they are needy. While it is adequate to explain that needs are not being met, there is always a likelihood that it will prompt the idea, a negative stereotype, that the individuals themselves are deficient, responsible or to blame for the circumstances in which they may be struggling. In other words, the people within the group are seen inferior because they have needs. The thing is we all have needs - because we are human. Talking of more or less need is unnecessary, we’ll all need help at some time, and some of us may require a little more help than others to get our needs met. For example, we all need to drink, but I may require a straw to get this need met, not having a straw does not make me needy, simply thirsty.

 

Using 'in difficult circumstance' instead may seem like a mouth full, but the words may help describe more respectfully the situation of people within a group. and while some may actually want help, extra support or particular consideration while facing difficult circumstance - others won't. Being mindful of the context helps articulate more aptly that there is nothing inferior about the people described, and makes us more aware that they may be experiencing hardship or unfair treatment.

 

Equally, using 'marginalised' instead of 'vulnerable' to describe certain groups is more respectful, because it describes more clearly that within our communities some groups are often treated less fairly, have less privilege or cannot access every shared opportunity. 

 

As Brown sees it, everyone can feel vulnerable when they are being open and honest. 

I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. … To put our art, our writing, our photography, our ideas out into the world with no assurance of acceptance or appreciation – that’s also vulnerability. (Brown, 2012, p. 34)

 

 

Showing our softer side, or sharing our thoughts, can make us feel a bit bare because we lay ourselves open to derision, ridicule and rejection.  This can be made worse by being part of a group that is marginalised by the customs and traditions of our communities, or represented badly by the stories that influence our society’s conversations. It can put us in a position where we feel we are being judged negatively. If I have to fight for a straw day in and day out, I may feel weak and less able to dismiss those hurtful comments that highlight that its odd therefore I'm needy.

 

Thank you, my friend for giving me opportunity to share this, many I hope will see this pedantry as a gift…

 

 

 

See also past post on Vulnerability and a world of difference.

 

 

 

 

Brown, B. C. (2012). Dearing greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. London: Pengiun Books Ltd.

Chapman, L. (2013). Respectful Language: How Dialogue Supports Moral Development of Leaders and Respectful Culture. Journal of Psychology Issues in Organizational Culture , 3, 78.